What we call strength, is often just support we don’t see!
Today, there seems to be a quiet ideal at the center of (at least Western) modern society;
To be independent, to be self-sufficient – and to be practically unaffected by the world around you.
To need no one, rely on nothing, and to stand entirely on your own.
In turn, this is presented as ultimate strength, as success – and as something we should all strive towards.
The actual truth however, is much- much simpler, yet much harder to accept.
Because,
no one lives like this.
» There is no such thing as a self-made man. You will reach your goals only with the help of others.»
– George Shinn
Independence, as we have been taught to imagine it, is not based on reality.
It is a story we tell (to both ourselves – and to others) that works really well for the upholding of various systems, yet far – far less for actual human lives.
And for disabled people, this stings ever worse, as for us, it has never been true to begin with.
The easiest person, not the best one
As an example, this ideal of independence shows itself clearly in the workplace;
where we are told that ‘hard work’ leads to opportunity. That skill, edcation and persistence will open doors.
Now, I am not disclaiming that skill, education and persistence aren’t good qualities to have regardless, but in a workplace environment, most settings are not looking for the most capable person – they are looking for the easiest one.
From a Norwegian setting, this means that most businesses, at the moment they advertise a position, they either have a clear candidate in mind (a friend of the manager/ someone who already works there and knows everyone/ or someone who impressed someone else in said business).
You know; the one who requires the least adjustments, the least understanding – and who might cause the least disruption.
And this is a great example of where the myth of independence can become dangerous. Because, if independence is the standard, then anyone who requires support is immediately seen as a risk – as opposed to a qualified assett.
Not because they lack the right ability, but because they expose the truth:
No one succeeds alone!
Healing is not the goal – stability is
This same illusion also appear in how we talk about health.
We are taught to aim for recovery, to get better, and to return to whomever we were before. But for many of us, that ‘before’ version of life does not exist anymore.
My mother recovered from cancer, and she is now cancer-free! <3 But heavy cancer treatment tears down the body, regardless of how much strength you have – and my mother will never fully return to who she was before.
Furthermore, for some of us, this ‘healed’ version of self never existed in the first place. Thus, chasing a life free of any kind of disease or disability – can be its own kind of harm. Because, healing as it is often imagined, suggests an end point – a life where no more care is needed.
I was born with epilepsy; it sits in my brain. So, unless you remove said part in my brain (which for many is not possible), I will always have epilepsy.
Thus, for me, the goal is not to ‘heal’ from it – but rather, to remove the impact is has on my life. This means: have as few seizures as possible, with as few medications as possible, with the least amount of negative side effects as possible.
And due to this experience, chasing an end point to ‘healing’ sounds ridiculous in itself; as those lucky enough to age – will need some form of care sooner or later.
So what many of us actually need, is not independence from care – but, to get some form of stability from- and within it!
For me, this means a life where support exist consistently. Where systems adapt to what those within them need – and where needing help is not seen as a failure – but rather as a regular part of being human.
«The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.»
– Carl Rogers
Your home is not a failure – it is a response
The constant pressure to be independent, does not stop at work or health, it also reaches into our homes.
Staying home is often framed as avoidance from society, or as something to fix.
But for many of us, especially those of us with an unstable disability, home is not where we give up. It’s where we adapt – where our energy is protected, and where positive routines can exist without a constant negotioation.
It’s where ‘the good life’ seems possible again – and (should be) where the amount of daily stress miniscules only to what is absolutely necessary.
Many calls spending time at home lazy. But I think this is incorrect. True for some people – definately, but in such cases, I belive there are other issues (ex mental) that needs to be looked intoo first. For the grand majority, however – especially those with a disease/ disability; spending time at home, is the only way to fully relax.
Gratitude, and the quiet weight it carries
While I have expressed my gratitude to family and friends deeply in the past – and I fully stand by it, there’s no question that gratitude can also feel very heavy.
We are told to be grateful for what we have. And I belive most people are.
But very often, feeling gratitude can turn into expectations (from either party) – and said expectation can turn into pressure.
It’s almost as if feeling gratitude (for what we have) can make us feel like we must accept everything as it is. That we should not ask for more – after all, we should be grateful!
You want better treatment? – you should be grateful that you get any treatment at all!
You want a healthier work scedule? – at least you can get work!
You want cheaper medication? – Do you know how many people can’t get meds at all!
You want a more adaptable home? – are you aware of how many sleep on the street?’
And so, slowly – over time, we begin to stretch ourselves. We clean more than we should, work more than we can sustain, push further and further beyond our own limits, stretching ourselves thinner with every step.
Not necessarily because we are forced to do it – but because we feel like we owe it.
Slow is not the problem – the system expecting speed is
If independence is the true ideal, then speed becomes with what we measure.
– Fast recoveries
– Fast productivity
– Fast results
And anything slower is seen as falling behind. But what if the problem is not slowness itself?
Day by day, year by year new studies compile linking hustle cultures to poor mental/ physical health, slow childhood progress to undiagnosed – thus untreated disabilities, and fast-paced mental states to less ability to focus, less attention to detail – and a poorer quality of life.
So what if the problem isn’t slowness – but rather systems only able to function at one pace, all the whilst calling everything else a failure?
Remember, slow progress is still progress, and if fast paced systems insist on you taking tree steps forward – only to then have to take two steps back, you’re going to wear yourself out!
And sustainable lives are built far more often through patience, rather than pressure.
The truth we already know
While it may take some time for people to refraim it in their heads;
Interdependence is not weakness!
It is a reality the majority of people will experience throughout their lives.
Because, everyone relies on something.
Or someone.
Or on systems, structures, relationships and on support.
The only noticable difference is that some of us can’t pretend otherwise!
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A small task
Take a moment to notice one place in your life where you already rely on something – or someone.
Then ask yourself;
«What would it feel like to see this not as a weakness, but as a part of how life actually works?»
You do not need to carry everything alone. No person were ever meant to.
– Silje