A story on mead, migraines – and learning that joy needs a rest too.
Soooo first off, for as long as I can remember, Mondays have always set the tone for the current week. And this week, my Monday was packed with plans.
Good Plans! – You know, the ones that sort of filled up my notebooks and planners – making me feel productive before the week even began.
Instead, this Monday, I spent the entire day in bed.
A massive migraine had settled into my head the night before, at the same time as my body was dealing with the heavy stomac pains that comes along with my other «joys» of menstruating.
Now, mind you – neither of these things are new to me!
But it is especially painful when it arrives early on in the night, as it results in waking up in pain every hour – if I’m lucky enough to sleep at all, that is.
So it started with me skipping my physiotheraphy workout. And while I hate skipping it, I felt it was the most responsible thing to do. If my migraine weren’t enough, the fact that I had barely slept, and was on a new hormonal cycle was kind of like a perfect concoction for me getting a massive seizure. So I just stayed in bed. At some point during the day I ate something, then eventually fell asleep.
And somewhere between wanting to stop feeling aweful and wanting to get things done, the day quietly slipped away from me.
For a while I felt frustrated. Kept thinking about everything I had intended to do; everything I still hadn’t done – that would now have to wait.
But then, as I lay there staring at the ceiling, I realized something.
This Monday (it’s currently Tuesday), did not happen in isolation.
In fact, only a few days earlier, I had spent an entire weekend doing things I genuinely love.
On Thurday, my family and I sat at the dinner table playing cards and talking about plans for the summer.
On Friday, some friends and I gathered to make mead. I don’t know how many have ever tried it before, but there is something strangely satisfying about mixing old traditions with good conversation – in anticipation of something that will not be ready for months.
Image by Silje Elsrud Yttervik
Truly, making mead – like the brewing of ale or the production of wine, teaches patience in a way modern life rarely does.
Then, the following day I met up with my girlfriends for a prosecco lunch, celebrating the hostessess’ birthday.
As usual there was laughter, stories, and the kind of conversations that leave you feeling lighter than once you arrive. Some of my girlfriends brought their babies, others were highly pregnant.
For three days straight I spent my time feeling happy and having fun with other people I love and cherish.
But in a way – perhaps that was the problem. Not the love, the fun and the happiness, mind you – but the fact that all of these things also costs energy.
For many of us (disabled or not), energy is not a limitless resource. It is a budget.
Except, unlike with money, you cannot just borrow more when you run out.
Looking back at it now, I realized that despite packing my weekend with things that filled my heart, I forgot to leave enough room for recovery afterwards.
Because I’d spent time with people, talked, laughed, travelled, socialized and enjoyed myself immensely.
And afterwards, my body sent me the invoice.
This is not to say that I did anything wrong!
But even joyfyl, beautiful things require energy. And I think this is one of the strangest parts of living with illness.
Because, the word often talks about rest, as if it’s something you earn after hard work. But for many disabled people, rest is not a reward.
Rather, it is a form of maintenance that might lead to massive consequences when you attempt to skip it.
Thus, sometimes the most important thing we can do, is to scedule recovery the same way we sedule everything else.
Lately, I have realized that I need at least two days each week where very little is expected of me.
This means;
– days without appointments
– without social obligations
– without projects
Days where I can simply exist.
As my body functions ten times better when I respects it’s limits rather than argue against them.
So, as today is Tuesday – I can easily say that yesterday was not the productive Monday I had planned. But it can still function as a practical one.
As a reminder that a good life is not built only from the things we are able to do – but also from the space in between them, as we learn who we are. And what we need.
Sometimes the most productive thing a disabled body can do, is to survive the day withouth making tomorrow even worse.
– Silje Elsrud Yttervik
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A small task for you, reader…
This week, write down one thing that made you smile.
This does not have to be a productive thing,
nor an impressive thing.
Just something you smiled at 🙂
Then take the time to remind yourself;
A good life is built from moments, not milestones.
– Silje
