Why rest is not a reward – but a requirement!
Despite my happiness of being back home and somewhat «in route» again, as they say; the past few weeks have reminded me of something I’ve long kept trying to forget:
That it’s my body and my mind that decides my days.
It’s not my plans, nor my ambitions.
And certainly not how much I actually want to do.
No, my body is the decider. And this past week it has been very loud about it.
First of all, my seizures have come back again. They’re not exactly the same as before, but big enough to take over my being; with moments where I say and do things I don’t fully control, that I don’t remember, and that my eyes can’t see.
Then it has taken everything from 5 – 30 minutes afterwards for me to properly ‘come back’ to myself, and understand what has happened.
And again, after all of this, there is a kind of tiredness, very difficult to explain to those who’ve never had a seizure before; but in short – it’s like feeling like you’ve just run a marathon, only the marathon is in your head, and may just have lasted a few minutes.
But here is the thing: most epileptic seizures are short. (In fact longer seizures can be dangerous!) But a minute of seizure can be enough to need several hours of relaxing time. This is not only in terms of physical restitution, but also mental as well – and something that can make even the smallest act feel like too much.
When the plan changes – again
During the time I’ve spent since coming home, I’ve had to ditch at least a dosen plans. Small ones, maybe – but no less important.
– I was hoping to be able to take the buss again by myself.
– I was hoping to slowly return to a daily rhytm that at least felt a little more independent than my current life.
And now, due to my body and minds’s distrust in my own wishes, this may not be possible – at least not yet.
For me, this shift is both practical and emotional. Because, every time my body redraws the limits, I – yet again, have to adjust my life around them, let go of something I just recently started to believe in, and choose an even slower pace instead.
You can’t build on exhaustion
Regardless of what you’re trying to build in life, I think there is a quiet pressure in the world to keep building. Even when you’re tired. To keep improving, even when you’re completely burned out, and to keep moving forward – no matter what happens.
But the truth that we will all be forced to face is this;
You cannot build a life on top of exhaustion.
I mean, try it all you want, but your life won’t be sustainable – and thus you won’t be able to actually live in it.
Because, days built on pushing through, ignoring signals and borrowing energy you don’t have, is the key to a loose, rocky foundation. It might look fine from the outside, but the inside has already started collapsing.
Rest is not something you earn
I think this is where many of us get it wrong. We treat rest like a reward for something.
Something you get after you’ve done enough ( I know I have!)
Or after you’ve proven yourself to the square-faced beaurocracies.
After everything else is finished.
The problem with this, is that for bodies like mine, and for many others’ – rest and restitution is not optional. Instead, it is the thing that makes anything else possible.
Withouth rest, there would be less stability, less clarity and no real progress.
Learning to live smaller – and more honestly
So for now, my days will be slower. This means days that are considerably shorter, with much more sleep and rest-time. At certain moments of the day they might be quieter, and more limited than what I would personally prefer. But whether I prefer it or not;
– A good morning routine
– A calm evening routine,
– Massive amounts of sleep
– And only 1-2 smaller things in between, are the main foundation of what my current body needs in order to actually sustain itself.
And while I know this is in my best interest, it is still difficult for my ambitious mind to accept. Particularly, as we are taught to measure our lives by how much we do.
So, for me – this might have to change.
Instead of looking at producticity as a measure for success, I might have to look for other signs. Like Stability. / Like the ability to rest when in need. / Like the skill to listen to your own body, and act on it, before things get even worse.
And sure, what this actually means for me is:
– Physiotheraphy with strength-training every week, to minimize my risk of osteoporosis
– Only taking the buss under the care of someone else
– Accepting admittance to the hospital sometime again this year,
– And changing current medication even further
It means changing my timelines yet again.
And while I don’t like that, I also know that ignoring these things won’t make them go away. Much like just pushing through won’t make me any stronger – it will only make me more exhausted, as the rest of the world expects more and more, based on what I already have already accomplished.
A different kind of building
So currently, I am trying something else;
to build a life that i actually have the energy to live.
Even if it looks smaller, slower and less impressive from the outside. Because, If you think about it; a life that fits your own energy – is worth more than one who constantly drains it dry.
And maybe that is the real work:
Not building the biggest life possible, but building one that holds.
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A small task for you, reader…
Tonight, ask yourself:
«Am I building a life I can actually sustain – or one I am constantly trying to survive?»
Remember, you don’t have to fix it all at once.
Just notice the answer.
And then, choose one thing tomorrow that could make your life a little more livable – not just more productive.
– Silje
