On kings, ceramics, changing bodies – and the strange feeling og becoming someone new
There are periods in life when something feels different, before you’re able to eloquently explain what it is. To me this has already happened several times throughout – and now, without knowing why, it is happening again.
Whatever the change is, nothing necessarily happens all at once. Nor does there need to be some sort of dramatic moment where you can point towards something and say; There! That was the beginning!
Sometimes, it is just a feeling…
Or a sense that something has shifted within or around you.
And simultaneously, as the shift becomes more apparant- the old version of your life becomes less relevant, as something new is quietly taking its place.
This has been my feeling lately.
Perhaps it is because so many little things in my life seem to be reflecting the same idea;
– A king has died.
– My creative work is changing.
– My relationship with my own body is changing.
And somewhere in the middle of it all, I have started to feel different too…
I don’t know exactly what I am becoming, YET –
But I have a strange feeling that I am becoming someone NEW.
A country entering a new chapter
The death of a national Monarch is a strange thing to experience for the first time.
When King Olav V of Norway died in 1991, my mother was still carrying me – thus I have no personal memory of what happened after.
I’ve seen photos, stories and read books, all illustrating how Norway went through a national transition – but I did not consciously experience it myself.
This time, however, with the death of King Harald V – I am!
And it has made me think about the Monarchy in ways I perhaps wouldn’t have otherwise. Because, I am not blind to the problems surrounding the Norwegian royal family. There are aspecs I disagree with, related people who’s choices I find deeply troubling, and (at times) despicable! And there are questions regarding privilige and responsibility that deserve to be discussed.
And yet, I am still in support of the monarchy.
That support does not come from the belief that being born into a royal family makes someone superior. It most certainly does not!
Instead, I support it because a Monarch, at least in its constitutional form, and born into the line of succession – knows from early childhood the extrordinary amount of responsibility they will one day inherit. And then they spend most of their lives getting preopared for it. Trained for it. And observe for it – for whenever the day comes.
So in a way, a future Monarch’s entire life is, in some sense, preparation for a role of duty they never chose.
And sure, there are many Norwegians who disagree with me. But I believe that becoming a republic would not automatically remove the human problems associated with having great power – it would simply create another system for deciding who recieves it. And as with most republics around the world (with few exeptions) – such a system would just attract the most power-hungry, people within the (already power hungry) political envoronment in the country.
And such a thought leaves me with a very important question. Because, what actually makes someone preopared to hold great power?
It is a question that societies should learn to answer more often. Because, political transitions; whether its from one monarch to the next – or from one president to the next, is not just about WHO comes next, but also about whether or not we have preopared them for WHAT comes next.
And to a certain extent, that is also something I have been thinking about in my own life.
Preoparing for something you cannot yet see
A few weeks ago, I spent three entire days doing ceramics.
It was amazing!
Tiring? – Insanely! But during those days, I managed to make everything I had planned for over 6 months. I worked with my hands until they almost turned red, concentrated on one thing; tiny area by tiny area – untill I reach that particularly satisfying moment when I realized;
I’ve actually finished!
Except, of course – I haven’t, not really.
Because, now all my pieces are neatly wrapped in plastic, left to dry.
Then, in a few weeks they will be fired.
Then I will scrub and glaze them in various ways,
and then they will be fired again.
And only after all-of-that, will I know exactly what I have made.
It’s probably my favourite thing about doing ceramics;
you can put an enormous amount of time, energy and intention into something, yet you still have to accept that you don’t completely control the outcome.
Instead, you do the process – and eventually you discover what it became.
Much like LIFE…
We expect transformation to to happen within the blink of an eye; as if everything suddenly changes all at once, and whosh! we are a new person entirely.
But after going through several of these transformations, I can confidently say
– It doesn’t work that way!
Sometimes, our ‘becoming’ have already changed long before we see and understand the shape of the finished ‘thing’.
Thus, I am not waiting for my ‘new life’ to suddenly arrive… Instead, I think I’ve already begun making it. I just haven’t seen the – (at current) finished version yet.
My body is changing too…
Another part og this new chapter of mine, has been surprisingly physical…
I recently spoke with my doctor about my ongoing weigh loss, and we agreed that it was time for me to slow down a bit.
This is not because anything is at fault – quite the opposite!
Instead; seizures, epi-meds and their ongoing side-effects set aside (no pun intended) – I feel fantastic at my current weight. And I‘ve managed to keep it pretty stable for a over 2 years. So naturally – now my focus has been shifting.
Instead of simply becoming smaller, I want to give my body time to build more muscle and become even stronger.
And for someone with my disabilities, this means eating a little more than what I am now used to, and adjusting some of my medication.
Which I find to be pretty symbolic at my current stage.
Because, for a long time, progress was measured by what I could loose.Whether it be;
– Weight.
– Medical symptoms.
– Limitations in my daily life.
And for many years, this was the groundwork for the old version of me;
as in «what may I gain by loosing this!»
Now however, I muct more often measure progress in relation to what I can build. Whether it be;
– Strength.
– Muscle.
– Skills.
– Creativity.
– Relationships (familial, platonic, and romantic).
– And a new form of confidence through having a more secure life.
And for someone like me, who’s illness and disabilities have been doing the groundwork for what is and isn’t possible, since I was a child – this new move feels incredibly freeing!
Because through this shift, I’ve realized that I don’t always have to move faster and do more; that sometimes progress also means knowing when to slow down, when to do less with more intention, and just let your body lead you towards the right direction.
Now, I do not claim to speak for everyone with disabilities. We are just as different in lives and abilities as everyone else in the world. But the tendency and outside encouragement to measure ourselves and our lives towards what we loose, is especially common in the West.
Whether it be through;
– Abilities we no longer have.
– Careers we can no longer pursue.
– Life plans we have to change.
And while these things can absolutely suck to deal with – because we do have to deal with them! Many of us find highly creative ways to work around our limits,instead…
The things we feel before we understand them
And then there are the less tangible things, too. Things that seem a bit strange, that don’t nesessarily fit into a spreadsheet or a medical chart.
As an example, I’ve always had very vivid dreams, and I often find them to be strangely connected to things happening around me.
Recently, I had a particularly intense dream where I was hunted down and about to be shot on a line ‘military style’. And as I heard the fall of my fellow soldiers, the ground shaking around me, I saw my entire life flash before me, and started to cry. Woke up with tears running down my face…
Now, as mentioned – I am quite used to intense dreams. But this one in particular, was one of those that didn’t immediately dissapear when I woke up, and that I still remember several days later, even if some of the details have begun to fade.
And then, a few days after the previous – the same night the Late Norwegian King died, I dreamt of his passing – and woke up, once again to a dream reflecting reality.
To be fair, I am not sitting here claiming that I can predict the future, or that I know the meaning of all my dreams – because I don’t!
It is perfectly possible that my unconscious brain simply picks up on a lot of clues, and processes them through my dreaming.
However, for those actually interested in things like astrology, my own ‘death-dream’ came following the full moon in my 12 house which is the end pont in astrology (from here, it goes back to the 1st.) Furthermore, the next new moon is in my 1st house – which within the astrological framework is associated with identity, beginnings and the self.
I do not expect everyone to believe that the moon dictates our lives. Many people think astrology in full is absolute crap. And they would be perfectly entiteled to their opinions.
But I would disagree.
For me, I see astrology as a form of explaining energy. And sometimes such symbolism can be useful withouth having to be scientifically casual.
Because I’ve had the feeling of something ending – and something else beginning for a while now. I don’t know why and I don’t know what, but I know I’ve never been wrong about this in the past. And so I choose to trust my instinct to lead me where I need to go.
Maybe I don’t need to know yet
In a way, I believe this is the hardest part about entering a new chapter in life. We want to know what it is, what it entails, and be able to make a percievable plan to reach our percieved destination.
But life rarely gives us that kind of clarity. Sometimes we simply know and understand that something is different…
I don’t know what this new version of me looks like yet; much like the final version of my ceramic projects are hidden until the final firing. In fact I don’t know what my creative projects in total will become – like I don’t know what Norway as a country will look like under its current monarch.
And perhaps that is the point.
We often wish for and desire clarity before we move forward with anything (I know I have!) But life rarely works that way.
Instead, we simply need to trust ourselves enough to make the next thing, get to the next stage, do the thing, make the desicion – and suddenly, often without noticing we look back and realise that we are already becoming her.
The next chapter
As I have mentioned, I do not yet know what comes next. Perhaps that is precicely why I can feel it coming without being able to identify it.
And during all this;
– A country has entered a new era.
– My ceramics are sitting quietly, waiting for their first firing.
– Like my body it is becoming stronger.
– And my creativity is changing shape.
So its no wonder, that in the midst of all this, I have begun feeling different too.
And who knows – maybe my dreams do mean something.
Or, maybe they don’t.
Maybe the moon has something to do with it.
And maybe it doesn’t.
I don’t know!
– But I do know this: something in me has already begun to move.
I don’t know what, and I don’t know where. But for once – I don’t think I need to.
Until then, I am simply here,
slowly – becoming
___________________________________________
A task for you, reader..
Before you move on to whatever comes next, take a moment and ask yourself;
«What in my life feels like its ending»?
And then:
«What might I already be creating, even if I don’t know what it’s becoming yet?»
And remember, you don’t always need to have an answer. Perhaps simply noticing the question is enough.
– Silje <3