As far as introductions go, I have never been particularly practical. Instead I tend to take the opposite approach; present yourself as either a) a complete madwoman or b) the biggest snob you’ve ever met, and let those who haven’t walked away in complete disblief enjoy your middle ground – which in most situations is as close to your authentic being as possible. So with that said, here I am . Due to the random fact of where my parent are from, I am Norwegian. I was born in 1991, at a time where the biggest argument around my peers, was whether you were a fan of Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera – Westlife or Backstreet boys.
In no circumstance were you allowed to be a fan of both – and in similar fashion; if you didn’t like either, you were considered equally strange. Now, basic pop- music aside, being considered strange – while definately hurtful, has never been a problem for me. Partially, as I realised early on that what people tended to think me strange for, were just simple self – preservation tactics. Tactics that I began implementing during my elementary school years, in order to get through days of constant bullying. Of course it didn’t help that much of what I was bullied for (such as freezing completely in the middle of conversation, only to ‘come back’ and not understand anything) were in actuality some of the earliest signs of my epilepsia diagnosis, it was just not examined as my teacher couldn’t stand me, and just decided that I was doing it on purpose. So self-preservation it was.
Now none of this suggests that I am somehow a wackjob with very nice clothes, however, I guess its just one of those rumours that came about. Firstly, because my first tactic of self-preservation was to remove myself from those who wanted to harm or bully me. As a result, I spent most of the ‘outdoor’ period in primary school sitting by myself at the entrance to the forest, talking to myself. Thus I became known as the girl who spoke to trees and sticks. Not completely true, mind you – but not completely false either.
Secondly, I have always been good at understanding people, often long before they understand themselves. Due to this, I’ve always found most people very predictable. This fact became quite well known during my elementary school years, as every time I openly made an assesment of someone or the result of someone’s situation, I ended up being correct. This resulted in me becoming some sort of «child psychologist» that people (friends and foes) would tell their secrets too, and ask for advice. Of course, a few years down the line, this made quite alot of the schools self-proclaimed «queen bees» highly anxious around me, as I knew all their secrets about eachother. Little did they know that most of their secrets, backtalking and rumour-spreading ended with me, as my epilepsia gave me a terrible memory, and most of the things peope told me, I had forgotten within the year.
Thirdly, whether as a girl or a young woman, I’ve always had an extremely high integrity. This has become so apparant any time I meet someone who lacks it, that they litterally repulse me. As a child this was very difficult, as it makes you seem a bit entitled to other’s honesty. As an adult however, it’s great. After all, If integrity is important to you, then anyone who lacks it, who behaves dishonestly – or who seems unable to be self-aware, sticks out like a sore thumb. Henceforth, any potential aquaintanceship with said person ,breaks off very quickly. If you simultaneously add honesty as another self-preservation tactic, whereby being completely open and honest about boundaries, expectations, and what you will and won’t offer in retun, you’re pretty much set. None of this will work however, if you’re not also honest about how you’ll react when someone tries to break said boundaries: «you only get one chance with me» is a motto most of friends are aware of. This does not mean that I cut contact at any minor incident, but rather that If you’ve proven yourself to be unreliable, dishonest or unable to take accountability for the consequences of your own actions, It only takes me one time for me to «clock it and block it» as they say these days.
So in many ways, my authentic personality is a mix of someone kind and helpful, yet also exessantly rigid. A high self- image, but with many tactics to keep it that way. On the one hand this can lead to a good balance between self-awareness and practicality. On the other hand, mixing self-awareness with rigidity can also lead to perfectionism and neuroticism – both equally exhausting. As such, the best way to counteract this, is to allow yourself the time and place to let go and let loose – and bring on some madness.
-According to Silje
We all go a little mad sometimes
/ Norman Bates, «Bates Motel» 1960