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On milestones, expectations, and the courage to follow your own path
For most of my life, I have been told — either directly or indirectly, that there is a ‘correct’ way to live.
A specific timeline to follow, a correct path to walk – and set of milestones to reach within this specific timeline, on this correct path.
In theory , this seems very simple;
– Get good grades, in order to get a good job, in order to move out and buy a house, in order to find a partner and have kids — in order for your kids to,
Do the same.
While this is a good base-point, and a good strategy for many, life rarely unfolds according to theory.
Mine certainly didn’t!
Looking back, I don’t think I was particularly easy to deal with. First off, I’ve never really followed the standard path (by Norwegian standards anyway!)
Not because I was rebellious for the sake of rebellion – but because my life simply refused to be this linear.
As a child, I often perferred talking to adults instead of playing with other children. I was respectful, curious and generally more interested in conversations and/or playing by myself – making up stories in my head.
Then school arrived.
Along with it came bullying, a lot of confusion – and heavy emotions I struggled to explain.
What none of us knew at the time, of course, was that epilepsy had already begun affecting my brain. Small seizures were happening all throughout the days,
years before anyone recognized them for what they were.
So,
for my part, I wasn’t trying to be difficult.
I was trying to understand a world that made very little sense to me.
As a teenager, I became dramatic at times – passionate at others, and continued to be endlessly curious about life beyond my own small corner.
In my late teens – early adulthood my seizures had become better then before, and I took the desicion to travel abroad.
A year later I came home, and after some time I began studying.
During these years I built many friendships,
but over time, I noticed something about myself;
I would enter a new group of people, find a few interesting individuals I genuinely connected to – and then slowly become frustrated by how many people seemed content to simply «follow the crowd».
Mind you, none of these were bad people!
But many seemed uncomfortable asking questions.
Afraid to disagree, or emotionally unable to stand apart.
And I never quite managed that.
I suppose part of it comes from always feeling like the black sheep;
– A little different from the rest of my family.
– A little different from my friends.
– A little different from the society I am a part of.
And this in itself can lead to a variety of different things.
Because, looking back – I don’t necessarily think I am that different.
I just execute ‘ME’ more openly and honestly than many people are comfortable with.
Have I been rejected or excluded from social circles because of this?
As a child? – Definately. As an adult? – Probaly.
But none have had the integrity to say it to my face.
And to be truly honest, I wouldn’t want to be a part of something like that anyway.
However,
being different still comes at a cost.
This is particularly true when society builds its expectations around conformity.
If you think about it, the traditional milestones most of us grow up with assume a fairly predictable life;
– A healthy body.
– A stable path forward.
– A straight road.
But many of us do not live like that.
Many don’t wish to either.
And many of the ones who do – simply aren’t able to, due to things they cannot control.
Some of us become ill or disabled, others need to change direction entirely.
Some have no idea what they really want, and have simply become accustomed to following everyone else.
And suddenly, many of the socialized milestones begin to feel less like a guideposts, and more like measuring sticks.
Sometimes we become so busy fitting ourselves into other people’s maps, that we forget to draw our own.
– Silje Elsrud Yttervik
Sometimes I look at certain milestones and feel left behind;
- I wished I had my own home by now, as I am very good at designing and curating. And I feel the need for a quiet and calm space, that is simply put ‘difficult’ to achieve with 3 other adults in the house.
But knowing I had the choice between financial stress or a lack of independence – I know I would choose interdependence any day.
And I can confidently say that I stand by my choice.
- I’d hoped I’d be fully employed by now, or that I’d have more flexibility around my time and transportation options. But these are things I cannot change.
And spending all my time annoyed and unhappy about this seems counterproductive. - I do wish I had a romantic partner by now, as I do want children in the future – and have always loved romance and passion. But due to my disability, I know that the most responsible thing I can do, is to be extremely selective around the various personality traits I look for in potential partners.
That too is a choice I’ve made – as partners who are either incompatable to the way I live (ie; my life would be better without them), or lacking the qualities needed in responsible parental figures, is pointless.
And, whether we are aware of it or not, these specific things have a way of centering themselves in our heads…
However,
by being a very straigh-forward, ‘Standing on Business‘ type of person – I’ve started drawing out my own map. And asking myself different kinds of questions.
Because, maybe there are milestones in life I will never reach.
SO WHAT?
I don’t think its right to see that as failure
– It’s just a different map alltogether.
Looking back – I do not see a life standing still. Instead, It is moving heavily. My life have unfolded quite differently, through several knocks and crannies – perhaps stranding quieter RIGH NOW than ever before.
As many disabled people eventually notice, traditional milestones made for modern societies today, were never made with us in mind.
And yet, they are treated as universal markers of sucess.
I cannot agree with that.
What happened to being a reliable citizen?
To standing up for yourself, your friends or your family?
To live life by your own values?
To have integrity?
To feel a purpose and intention with your life?
These days, I find myself caring less and less about whether my life looks ‘normal’.
It probably never will!
Instead, I care alot more about whether or not life feels meaningful.
I love creating things,
I love learning.
I care about friendships built on honesty rather than convenience.
I care about becoming the woman I want to be, even if the route towards her is winding.
And the older I get, the less convinced I am that the purpose of life is to follow a map.
Maybe, instead – the purpose is to make one yourself.
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A small task for you, reader…
Think of one milestone you feel behind on.
then ask yourself:
«Do I genuinely want this, or do I simply believe I should want it?»
Sometimes,
the answer might surprise you!
– Silje