The real unseen: Living with an Invisible Disability

«There is no one way to look disabled»
– Emily Ladau, Demystifying Disability (2021)

Last week I wrote about ‘Disabled Pride’ – and about the radical act in taking pride in who we are, even when the world tells us not to. How disability pride can coexist with a queer identity – and how claiming space as both disabled and LGBTQ+ is a powerful act of self-recognition. But, as many of us know, pride can be complicated. This is particularly the case when you, like me don’t look obviously disabed. So this week I wish to zoom in on a different kind of visibiliy; one that sets the focus not on wheter society sees our pride, but rather whether it sees our disability in the first place.

For many of us, our disability isn’t outwardly visible. We may not use mobility aid, we might smile or nod our heads and «pass» as able-bodied individuals in passing conversations. Sure, I use filtered glasses daily for my light sensitivity (I have a couple aimed at different levels of light-protetion) – but to most people this just looks like I’m using sunglasses inside.

By «passing» as able-bodied on a relatively daily basis, random people will in turn treat you as such. The difference of course is that you’re not. And the effort it takes to function throughout the days; through pain, and fatigue, daily seizures, brain fog or sensory overload are all exhausting. But because most people aren’t aware of this, the disconnect between ‘looking’ and ‘being’ disabled leads to many actual problems.

In many situations, invisible disabilities can lead to being disbelieved, dismissed, or accused of exaggeration.
One of the most frequent examples from my own life concerns whenever I have to take the buss during rush hour. It is something I avoid like the plague, but every now and then it’s impossible to do so. Firstly because busses is the closest and safest method of travel to where I live. Secondly, due to my epilepsia I am not allowed to drive a car – so busses is the only close way of travel for me (safe or otherwise).

So why do I hate taking the buss??

First of all, its a closed, tight space filled with excess lightening, all kinds of smells and (often) alot of noise. These are all things that my brain reacts to, and leads to larger seizures. The amount of times I’ve woken up in the middle of a buss-aile to a bunch of terrified passangers and a buss-driver kicking me out of the buss and intoo an ambulance is immense.
Usually, the only way I’m able to avoid seizues is by sitting close to a window trying to sleep while listening to music.
BUT during rush-hour, seating is first and foremost for the elderly, for pregnant women, for young children, and for the disabled. BUT I DON’T LOOK DISABLED!
Of course, I could scream it out intoo the buss that I am disabled and need a place to sit, please! But when you don’t look like other people’s perception of disability ( I mean, I even wear red lipstics and nice clothes! …..) then you’re not likely to get very far with that.

So quite often, when standing, I am forced between making myself look more poorly so people can see that I am disabled , or litterally being on the phone with my mother the entire bussride, just so that I would have something else to focus on – and so she’d know If I had a seizure.

As author Emily Ladau reminds us in her book Demystifying Disability:

«Disability doesn’t always look the way people expect it to. You can’t always see it, and that doesn’t make it any less real»
– Emily Ladau, (ibid).

There are many examples like my struggles with public transportation. And while some are hard to explain, and others hard to understand – they all tend to build up. They can make you doubt yourself, and make you question whether you’re actually just lazy. Due to this, invisible disability comes with an added layer of emotional labour; of constantly deciding whether to disclose, explain or stay silent about your condition(s).

Over time, I’ve come to understand that the issue isn’t just a misunderstanding by the general population, it’s also a mistrust.
The level of mistrust varies between countries, depending on a number of other societal factors – but even in a country like Norway; a country where social trust is higher than many other places, mistrust in the reality of what cannot be seen still exist.

"The Real Unseen" av S. E. Y

Many people assume that if you’re not visibly disabled, you’re not «really» disabled.
But disability is not a performance; it’s not something we owe the world a demonstration of.

Image «The Real Unseen»
by S. E. Y.
____________________________

  • According to research, 1 in 4 adults in the USA (roughly 61 million people) has a disability according to the CDC. This number is based on data from the 2022 Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (BRFSS). 
    Furthermore, out of these a significant portion have invisible disabilities, including chronic pain, mental health conditions, neurological disorders (this is where epilepsy comes in) and more.
  • In the U.K, a study by Scope found that 67% of disabled people reported being stared at, questioned or disbelieved when using assecible facilities like parking spots or toilets – because they didn’t «look» disabled enough.
  • The Invisible Disabilities Association reports that up to 80% of disabled people live with conditions that are not outwardly visible.

Sometimes people with invisible disabilities face skepticism, even from other disabled people. Many feel this pressure to ‘prove’ themselves ( I know I have!). There can also be feelings of resentment if you can pass when others can not. These are all real tensions, and they are all extremely painful.

But here’s the truth; disability is not a competition. Visibility doesn’t make you more or less disabled; it simply removes some struggles, and adds a bunch of others (and vice versa).
Our experiences might be different, but our needs – and our dignity are valid across the spectrum.



Last week I wrote that Pride means reclaiming space. For those of us with invisible disabilities, this type of pride might look quiet. it might be refusing to apologize for asking for help. It might be saying «I need a break» without feeling guilt. It might be using a disability-related pin, parking permit – or asking someone walking with you to slow down, withouth offering a medical history as proof.

So know that, if you live with an invisible disability: I see you!
If you’re learning to balance ambition with chronic limitations: I see you!
If you’re tired of explaining, defending yourself or being disbelieved: I see you!

Because, disability is diverse. It is valid. And it deserves space in every conversation – Including PRIDE. Because in the end, real pride doesn’t require evidence – it requires courage.

– Silje

Disabled and Proud: Celebrating Pride and Disability Together

June is Pride Month; a time to celebrate identity, love, resistance and resilience. For many it’s about waving a rainbow flag with joy and confidence. But for those of us who are both LGBTQ+ and disabled, Pride can carry an even deeper meaning. It’s not just about loving who we love – it’s about surviving, thriving, and finding pride in every part of who we are, even when the world makes it difficult.

For a long time I struggled with Pride. Not because I was ashamed of being bisexual, or ashamed of my disability – quite on the contrary. My sexuality has always been a non-issue in my family, and I’ve never seen a reason to be ashamed of being born with epilepsia – since It’s not my fault.

However, as an ‘outlier’ in both the queer and the disabled community (that is, I’m not gay or straight enough – and not visibly disabled enough; untill I am too visibly disabled in the midst of seizures), I have often felt very alone. Now, realistically I know I’m not. I also know this feeling is not connected to just these communities. Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt like this any time I join a new community. It’s a feeling of being included but simultaneously being completely on the outside. In many ways it has often felt like I was not made for this world. As one of my favourite writers and feminists, Simone de Beauvoir wrote in her book The Woman Destroyed: «I was made for another planet altogether I mistook the way» (Beauvoir 1967). I completely understand.

Luckily, throughout my life, the fog has gradually lifted.
Like the start of a quiet revolution within me, with age I began to realize that feeling pride wasn’t just about resilience or performing strength. It was about embracing truth.

Being queer and disabled means navigating a world that often sees both identities as tragic or invisible. Too often Pride events aren’t accessible. Too often LGBTQ+ spaces aren’t designed with neurodivergent or psysically disabled folks in mind. But we exist, and we belong. And there’s a power in that intersection. As disability activist Eli Clare writes in Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure (2017):

Pride means resisting shame. It means rewriting the meaning of body and mind. It means telling our stories on our own terms
-Eli Clare

So what is disabled pride? It’s not about pretending things are easy, but rather about saying: I am me – I am whole, exactly as I am. It’s about finding strengt in community, and about refusing to shrink.

«Disabled Pride 2»
Image by:
Silje Elsrud Yttervik

Disabled pride means celebrating what we’ve learned; resilience, adaptability, emotional intelligence. It means recognizing that our accomplishments may not look like others’, but they are just as real, just as powerful – and just as worthy of pride. Because, as Alice Wong (2020) would say; we are the experts of our own lives.

This Pride Month I’m holding both my bisexuality and my disabilty in the light. I’m choosing to celebrate the beauty of intersectionality. So, if you are queer and disabled: your existence is radical. Your joy and happiness matters. Your story matters. And you are not alone!

-Silje

Ambition & Disability: When the Body doesn’t match the Dream

Ambition is often seen as striving; climbing; achieving.
But for many disabled people, this ambition is also laced with grief. Grief because the body (or mind) can’t keep up with the pace of the vision.

Because, how do you keep an ambitious mind, while also centering your lived physical experiences? This question is not just personal. It’s political, cultural and systemic. And for many of us, it feels like walking a tightrope between possibility and limitation every single day.

I know this feeling all to well, as I have always been highly ambitious.
A while back I was in the hospital for my epilepsi treatment. If you’ve ever had a «productive» day planned and ended up in a hospital bed instead, you know the mental spiral that can follow. With a to-do list completely untouched and goals practically put on pause, I felt like I’d hit a wall. With hopes, dreams and visions tucked neatly intoo my brain, but without a body or mind able to accomplish any of it. It’s heartbreaking. And even though I knew I needed to care for my health, I still felt like I had failed. And in many ways, I still do.

Because that’s the thing about ambition – it doesn’t dissapear just because your body needs to rest. Instead it just sits there quietly in the corner, constantly reminding you of all the things you aren’t doing.

However, some things have changed for the better.
During my 4-years spent in a hospital, getting worse and worse with the different meds, treatments, surgeries and whatnot; it also made me realize something else. I wasn’t the problem. My ambitions were neither dead nor broken, but the framework I was trying to fit intoo was.

Because, mainstream ambition – the kind sold by a myriad of different self-help books and productivity-gurus, are built on able-bodied norms. It expects consistency, stamina and independence by nature.

As writer and activist Mia Mungus explains in her work on access intimacy «we are taught to see interdependence as weakness». But what if that’s just another lie that serves ableism?. This notion is further exemplified by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha in Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice:

«We are told rest and slowness are the enemies of sucess. But for us, they are survival. And survival is a form of resistance». (Piepzna-Samarasinha, L.L. 2018)

So, instead of ambition being something that crushes us, what if we imagined it as something that adapts instead? Something that bends to our needs, rather than breaking us in the process?
As earlier mentioned, McRuers Crip-theory asks us to challenge the standards of what a «good life» looks like. It doesn’t mean we have to give up on ambition, but rather that we reimagine it in a way that also includes us. Now, this is not easy, but begins by viewing ambition not as a latter- but rather as a network (= messy, meaningful and rooted in interdependence). Maybe it’s about being a mentor, an artist, a connector or a truth-teller.
Because, maybe ambition is about choosing your values, not just your milestones.

Since the hospital stay when I first hit a wall, now 3 years ago, I’ve been working on a new way of being ambitious. It’s nowhere near perfect, but it’s one that I feel comfortable and able to continue, one that flows with my body’s natural rhytm instead of trying to change it. As an example, my body needs ALOT of sleep. We’re talking 9-12 hours on an average day. Similarly, my energy rises and sinks at certain times most days, and these times are not always practical. So I ask myself frequently;
– what matters most today, given what my body can do?
– what version of a particular goal feels sustainable short and long-term?
– how can I break it down to easier tasks and still honour the vision?

Image by: Miguel Bruna @Unsplash

I still have big dreams. I still care about growth. But I’ve stopped trying to meet standards that was not built with me (and my kind) in mind.
Ambition doesn’t have to be about pushing harder. Sometimes it’s about pushing differently – or not pushing at all.

[Image by: Miguel Bruna
«Unsplash]

«You are not lazy, unmotivated or stuck. After years of living in survival mode, you are exhausted. There is a difference»
-Nakeia Homer (ref:

To anyone reading this who feels like their ambition is broken – believe me, it’s not. You might be grieving an old definition, and that’s ok.
The truth is that the world needs disabled ambition. Ambition that is deep, not just tall. Ambition that honours interdependence, adaption and authenticity. That includes me – and you, not just our output.

So here is an invitation;
if you could have one goal to dream of – not in spite of your body or mind, but with it as is, what would it be?

– Silje

The Quiet Courage of Being Ourselves

Courage is often portrayed in sweeping gestures. You know, the soldier in battle, the activist at the podium, the climber on a windswept peak. Yet for many of us, courage shows up very differently; In the quiet, often unglamorous acts of self-honesty, and in the choice to live with honesty and integrity, despite being in a world that often resists the truth of our existence.

As disabled people, we often face a unique pressure: to fit into a mold that was never built for us. We are taught, explicitly and implicityly, to mask our needs, downplay our differences, and strive to be «normal». I should know, I’ve done it all! But what if courage isn’t found in becoming something else, but rather in daring to be fully, visibly and unapologetically ourselves?

As mentioned in a few previous posts, I was quite the ‘weirdo‘ from early on. From the several daily small seizures in the middle of primary-class (at the time still undiagnozed) which made my teacher think me both dumb and a troublemaker, and made my friends confused, to the daily times I chose to sit by myself at the beginning of the school forrest. Sure, on the one hand this was (as mentioned) due to me refusing to play with the kids that would bully me a few hours later – but It was equally in order to sit alone and reset my mental and emotional battery – which as a an epileptic, very easily runs out, by all things going on in the average schoolground.

Later in life, as I entered University – I simply made it a general point to tell everyone of my epilepsia (still do!) Because, it’s not a question of «if» I get a seizure, its a question of «when» – and when you have several seizures every day, it’s impossible to actually live a life without being preopared for it to come. And for me, that in itself is a sign of courage, as I refuse to roll over and die just because some people would rather pretend people like me don’t exist.

For anyone interested in learning more about this, and the several other ways that embody the lived experiences of disabled people, I would strongly reccomend Robert McRuers book «Crip theory: Cultural Signs of Queerness and Disability«. The book is one I myself used for my MA-thesis in the heritage of disability on display, and works as a framework that reclaims disability not as something shameful of pitable, but as a powerful, complex identity. With it McRuer encourages us to challenge abelist assumptions, to disrupt expectations, and to embrace our bodies and minds as sites of wisdom and resistance.

Believe it or not, this is one of the ways the concept of ‘passing’ originates from. From both disabled (and black) people either pretending to either ‘pass’ as an «able-bodied» (or white) person – or quite strongly reisting to do so. Personally, I’ve done both, greatly depending upon the situation and what is physically the safest for me.
As Audre Lorde once wrote, «Caring for myself is not self-indulgent, it is self-perservation, and that is an act of political warfare.» (A Burst of Light, 1988)

In the same spirit, choosing to center our needs, speak our truths and shape our lives around what sustains us is not weakness – it is defiance.
To live with integrity as a disabled person is to resist a culture that insists we hide. It is to claim our space, tell our stories, and believe that our truths matter.
You are already courageous. Every time you ask for help, name your boundaries or simply exist without apology, you are practicing a radical kind of bravery.


From Eli Clare’s «Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure» (2017)

«I want a world where we value interdepencence over independence access over ability, justice over cure. Where disabled bodies and minds are not seen as broken but as deeply valuable. Where difference is not something to be overcome but rather something to be voven into the fabric of our communities».

Take a moment today to recognize one way you showed up with courage. And if you feel like it, share that story. You never know who needs to hear it.

– Silje

Setting Boundaries: A Path to Self-Respect

Self-respect isn’t something that comes or goes with sucess or failure. It doesn’t depend on how other people see you, how productive you’ve been or how many times you stumble along the way. Instead, it’s considerably deeper ingrained; rooted in the constant and consistent determination of our boundaries. In the words of Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend:

«Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom… Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures so that people will not steal them. They keep the pearls inside and the pigs outside»
-Dr Henry Cloud/ Dr John Townsend, Boundaries, 1992

Like many other self-preserving elements, I was taugth the importance of boundaries early on in my childhood. I didn’t know it at the time of course, but looking back, it’s obvious that the main reason for my massive self-respect while growing up, even when humiliated, disrespected and underestimated, is due to a stark perserverance of my boundaries. A perserverance still relevant today.

There’s particularly three examples of boundary-setting that have been implanted into my brain since I was a toddler; The first is an example I know many people talk about today, which is whether to ‘force’ children to give hugs to their grandparents. My own parents never did this, yet I learned to hug them anyway. Not because I was coerced or forced to do so, but because I did what most children do – follow the lead of their parent’s. So when my mum and dad was giving my grandparents and uncle/aunts hugs, I started following along. Without coercion, and with personal boundaries and atonomy still intact. These types of boundaries are not just rules, they’re part of values. Values that taught me that my body is my own, and that honoring myself is nesessary for further self-respect.

The second was my mother telling me – probably over 500 times that if my dad ever became violent towards her or me, she’d kick him out of the house with his head first. This is because not tolerating any form of violence is one of my mum’s boundaries. This is a boundary she has never changed, and as I’ve (unfortionately) seen acts of violence happen to several childhood friends and their mothers (by their own father’s), It is a boundary I’ve always been inclined to introduce.

The third example is one of my dad’s boundaries; the financial advice of not borrowing money to friends, as it has a tendancy to lead to arguments over money. My dad originally brought this up to me as a pre-teen, in a discussion over money-management, as he himself had experienced friendship-breaks when asking back the amount of money he had lent away. As the discussion seized through all the ways borrowing money to friends could go wrong, and the amount of anger that could built up if it was discovered that some unaccountable person was using this money ‘impractically’, I realized that having the boundary of just not lending away any money would make life much easier. And it certainly has – as this type of rigid boundary has the added bonus of weeding out all potential ‘friends’ who’s only with you to take something from you. As a result I’ve never borrowed anyone any money, and I make it a point to tell people this when they first get to know me. After all, if you stand firm in a rigid boundary – and won’t let yourself be manipulated by people interested in getting something from you, they’ll eventually leave as it’s nothing to gain.

In regards to this last example, however, I would like to add an important factor; not borrowing away any money, does not mean that you can’t be generous. I personally think generosity is an important trait of having a good character, and tend to give things away quite freely and frequently. But giving something away is different from borrowing, and leads to people being able to choose to who – and how often they wish to do so. I much rather prefer this, as I can be generous to someone one time, but will only be generous to said someone several times, if this generosity goes both ways. And if it doesn’t, I will simply count my losses and move on.

Fast forward to adulthood. I’ve lost opportunities, ended friendships, made unpopular decisions – but one thing I’ve never lost is my self respect. Why? Because I didn’t give away any of my boundaries. Like I tell most potential romantic partners, they only get one chance with me – blow it by being unfaithful, abusive, untruthful or coersive – no thanks! Say you’ll do one thing, then do something else? Nope, adieu! If someone does not respect me, or chooses to betray me one way or another – I simply walk away.

The same goes for friendships. If you do not respect me – or yourself enough to be honest with me, only to then talk smack about me behind my back and lie to my face when asked about it; its not a friendship worth having. A few people have crossed minor boundaries, and I’ve accepted their apologies as I believe them to be genuine. However, those few people this is referring to, know that they will forever exist in limbo – where one other wrong boundary-crossing is enough for me to walk away from them.

This though process only exists however, as my boundaries are very strong, very obvious and very clear – and I communicate them quite ‘frank’ to everyone. Because, boundaries are not just about saying «no» to certain people or certain things; they’re also about saying «yes» to yourself – to your own values, morals, energy, time and what you believe is right. They’re how people stay grounded, especially when life gets a little shaky.

Some people think boundaries are walls meant to keep people out. I instead choose to see them as doors that determine who you choose to let in. Or; they don’t shut the world out, they invite in only what aligns. They’re not about control, but rather about clarity. Every time I uphold a boundary, I remind myself that I matter to me. That I don’t need to be liked by everyone. That my worth isn’t up for negotiation. And this has given me something no job title, or person ever could; peace of mind. And if I’m being completelty honest, I often get the impression that I have more self-respect than anyone I know – not because I think I’m better, but because I was taught, from the beginning to honor the space around and within me.

So, if I could give one piece of advice to anyone struggling with self-respect, it would be this; check your boundaries. Where are you saying yes, when you mean no? Where are you betraying your own values just to avoid discomfort?
Self-respect isn’t loud. It’s quiet, steady and deeply powerful. It show’s up every time you choose yourself – not out of ego, but out of integrity.
Because boundaries are not barriers. They are bridges – to a life you can live with your head held high, even when things fall apart.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk dissapointing others»
– Brene Brown, from «The Gifts of Imperfection«

The Power of Self-Acceptance

In a world where apperances and personalities are often curated and filtered through social media, self-acceptance stands as a powerful act of courage and authenticity. It is not just a feel-good concept, it’s the foundation for how we present ourselves to the world, and – more importantly, how we connect (or disconnect) with other people.

The very first ‘self-identity’ advice my parents gave me, was to be myself fully and authentically – always. I don’t remember how young I was, but I know it was during a time when my general kindness often lead to people walking right over me. So for my parents, this advice was more about teaching me to stand up for myself, so as not to end up around a bunch of people who’d kick me under the buss later in life. And it certainly worked. First of all because, while I didn’t stop being kind per se, my kindness became much more exclusive – only afforded those who offerered me a similar kindness in return. Thus, if someone didn’t like me because of, well – Me, that was their problem. So everytime I decided something regarding my apperance or choices that was authentic to me – and my parents, friends, peers or other family members didn’t accept it, they knew I would just consider it their problem, as I was told to do.

Despite this, even from a young age, this would not have worked without the key ingredience of ‘self-acceptance’. Self-acceptance means embracing all parts of yourself; your strengths, flaws, past mistakes and unique quirks withouth too harsh judgement. It’s an acknowledgement of who you are at the base, and understanding that your worth as a human being isn’t conditional on your perfection, or on approval from other people.

Whats’s more, self-acceptance is also an important component of a person’s self-preservation. Because, without first accepting yourself – fully, self-preservation becomes a performance act; where you edit your personality to fit into other people’s idea of what is/ isn’t acceptible. This in turn leads to a whole can of worms, like anxiety, imposter syndrom and constantly feeling like you’re not good enough.
But when you accept yourself fully for who you are, your confidence becomes grounded in reality, and you don’t have to pretend or perform anymore. This in turn makes you magnetic.

To use an example from my own life; During my teenage-years, and early-to-mid twenties, I could at times be quite the drama-queen. It wasn’t often, mind you – but aproximately every tree – five years I would have a major drama-outburst, and act all crazy. It’s a bit fascinating too, because I hate drama and drama shows, and prefer to be left out of things that doesn’t involve me. But for many years this would happen. For a long time I simply ignored it, hoping it wouldn’t happen again, but it was only when I accepted that I can become this way – and that it was rooted in deep-seated wounds from feeling unaccepted and ignored by peers in primary school, that I stopped behaving this way. This does not mean that I condone shitty behaviour (neither my own nor others’), but knowing and accepting that It is a part of me at times, is the first step. So instead, I would talk to my friends about it, and be vulnerable (ps, I have good friends), and suddenly, drama-Silje was not a problem anymore.

Because, self-preservation does not mean that you are immune to being hurt, or feeling sad that you are aren’t accepted. It simply means that whether you are accepted or not, you decide not to change if and for anyone other than yourself. And, when rooted in self-acceptance, self-preservation is how you choose to show up: verbally, visually and emotionally, reflecting the real you.

Furthermore, this form of self-treatment also tends to lead to:
– Authentic relationships, as most people are drawn to those who are genuine.
– An Improved mental health, as there is less pressure to be perfect.
– Stronger communication skills, as you learn to express yourself clearly and honestly.
– A confidence that sticks, as it is not built upon other people’s approval.

However, self-acceptance does not just happen by itself. Instead, it is learned, slowly through practice. First of all you have to recognize your inner critic. Take notice of when you’re being unkind to yourself. Is this rooted in you doing something bad – or is it rooted in perfectionism? Secondly, Celebrate what makes you unique! Whether physical or mental- what makes you different from other people is what makes you – you. Thirdly, and this is one I struggled with alot: forgive yourself, and let go of your past mistakes. Learn from them, yes – but not at the expense of getting stuck in the middle of a growth-journey.

The fourth way to implement self-acceptance intoo your life, is to start speaking kindly to yourself. Think of yourself as your dearest family member or friend; if you wouldn’t talk to them the way you talk to yourself, then stop doing it. And finally, be consistent. Self-acceptance is a daily practice. Being accepting of oneself one day, and then talking absolute crap the rest of the week, is like taking one step forward and 20 steps back. so be consistent in your practice.

Because, self acceptance isn’t about giving up on growth – it’s about growing from a place of wholeness instead of lack. When you accept yourself, you give others permission to do the same. And when you present yourself with authenticity, you make the kind of impact that last.

– According to Silje

Ecotherapy practices: how Nature can heal your mind

Sometimes, the most productive thing that you can do is to step outside and do nothing… relax and enjoy nature.
– Melanie Charlene

During the last few years, my doctor and I have been working hard to get me in touch with a government-funded theraphist. This has however, proven to be considerably more difficult than what I originally though it would. Current day community theraphists are (most of the time) allready fully booked with patients. And, in the event that someone were to get a session with any of them, the client would have to be suicidal – or dead.

Some people end up cutting through the queue all together, by paying theraphists in private organizations. I do not not have the funds for this at current, especially as my wish for theraphy is ‘only’ to have an unbiased person to talk to, when my head gets too filled with neurotic and scarcity thoughs – thoughts that I do not wish to dump on friends or family when in high stress situations.

So I figured, If I can’t actually afford talking to a private theraphist, and I have too high self-preservation to be considered ‘sick-enough’ to get community- theraphy, what else could I do, that might give me a better mental outcome?

This is where Ecotherapy comes in. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I’ve always felt closely connected to the nature around me, and the serenity she might bring. One of the ways to hone in on that, is through various (therapeutic) treatments and activities in nature. There isn’t one single definition of ecotherapy, but it’s often used to describe a regular, structured activity. Said activity may or may not be led by a trained professional, where the focus is on doing certain activities rather than the current state of your health. These activities, such as meditation, creative-theraphy, yoga or other forms of exersize, mindfulness-training or horticulture are done out in nature or near water. As such, the focus of Echotheraphy is related to the exploration and appreciation of the natural world – and can be done with or withouth other people.

For me, a type of self-lead ecotheraphy treatment, is walking through and around the forrest behind my house. I touch the trees, smell the leaves, pick and eat the wild berries. I bring eatable mushrooms home with me, meditate, and at times, meet one of the forrests four-legged wild residents. Afterwards I feel considerably calmer, happier and less stressed.

This is not withouth reason. According to a study by PhD Fellow Yoshifumi Miyazaki at Chiba University, things such as ‘forest bathing’ and walking in the woods, can significantly lower your cortisol as well as your blood-pressure. Additionally, it has the potential to boost your body’s natural immune system, by (amongst other things) increasing the body’s anti-cancer proteins. (Science of Natural Therapy, by Yoshifumi Miyazaki , Center for Environment, Health and Field Sciences. Chiba University

As a form of care, echotheraphy can take place both in cities as well as on the countryside. Settings include gardens, parks, farms and woodlands – and involved a varying amount of physical activity. Some places have echotheraphy programs alongside other health- treatments; such as theraphy, art and creativity programs, or phychiatric medication. It is often a very positive element in connecting with others, particularly for those who’s socially anxious, as you have a task to do together.

There are several types of echotheraphy-programs that exist out there, all with different sets of intentions; adventure-theraphy, like rafting, caving or rock-climbing takes focus of the adventurist-elements (or lack thereof) of many people. Such programs focus on doing a variety of physical activities in a group. Certain programs of echotheraphy includes the involvements of animals on farms, where you pet, feed or create therapeutic relations to certain animals (like horses or dogs) and even grow crops or help manage the woodland. Blue exersize includes various form of training near water (such as swimming), green exersize is – similar to blue, certain workout sessions in the middle of the woords or parks (such as running or cycling). Certain forms of echotheraphy, like the conservation of environmental areas, arts and crafts based on nature or horticulture, takes the form of conserving natural environment, creating ats by using environments found in nature – or horticulture; gardening, growing food, or spending time around flowers or plants.

If however you can’t find any echotheraphy program in you area, you could talk to health-related professionals whether they would be interested in starting one, look for nature-based groups or classes: such as walking groups or community gardens, etc.

I do ecotherapy to get sunlight onto my skin and into my mind. Surrounded by the fresh forest air, with sunbeams peaking through the tall tree-tops, I came to realize that standardized theraphy is unessessary; that I have everything I need right here.

Inspired by: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/ecotherapy/

Engaging Hobbies: How to find joy while struggling in your job search

During these days of continuous job-search, one thing I have dedicated alot of my current time to is my hobbies; to which there are many. This is not only in order to find something meaningful to do, but also because dedicating time to something I like, or something I would like to learn, gives me a sense of joy and fulfillment that few other things can match.

As I’m sure many people are aware of, struggling to find work, and constantly sending in work-applications to no avail, can be a very emotionally draining process. I’ve been on the hunt for a year already, and despite Norway’s quite strict labour-laws regarding discrimination against disabled-workers, I’ve still been hit with discriminatory practices more times than I can count. It doesn’t help that I can’t work more than two full days a week, and my education means that my hourly rate is (also according to labour laws) – quite high. Thus, the amount of potential positions that I may even be remotely considered for, diminishes significantly.

Despite this, I’ve always had extremely high ambissions, and my identity – despite years of bullying, was anchored in the high self-image of a person with grand levels of self respect, high career drive, and someone not afraid to stand out from the masses. As a result, being hit with the reality that finding work would be astronomically more difficult than I would have ever suspected, took a huge toll on my ego – and on the way I saw my own worth. I felt ashamed. Not because I saw other people with disabilities as worth less than those who could work full time, but because my expectations of myself has always been put at such a high place it is impossible to reach.

So, as I was finishing my graduate-degree, I lost a sense of purposeful routine, which lead to stress, anxiety and financial pressure – all things bad for an epileptic who’s both a perfectionist and (at times) highly neurotic.

So as always I decided to take matters into my own hands, by mentally and emotionally engaging in a variety of joyful hobbies. Because, as I got to choose how to spend my time and energy , engaging in an activity I love to do had the ability to give back some of the power I felt like I’d lost after graduating.
After all, If it feels like your future is in someone else’s hands, trying to change anything for the better is pointless.

So I went after what I knew I could change. Ever since I was a child, leisure-activity has been a huge part of my family. My father, who’s an engineer used to play in a band – and still plays guitar, and takes photographs. My mother; an accountant by profession, would play piano, or paint (still does!). My baby sister who used to be a gymnast, recently learned how to knit (and she’s extremely good at it!). I on the other hand, have tried a different approach; of simply trying anything I might feel drawn too. Whether its playing piano, painting, writing, photography, ceramics, sowing or designing clothes – or even diy – I’ll try it, and see what sticks. I took a course in painting several years ago, and recently finished a course in ceramics. Now I’ll lever be a Da Vinci – as I couldn’t paint realistic figures if it would save my life; but I’m not mad about it. Instead I find the mixing and matching of colours and shapes highly soothing, and it’s good to be able to paint if I were to ever need or want a large artpiece. Ceramics is in a similar fashion. While it’s my latest obsession, and I dedicate a day each week to work at an actual studio, my current makings are very basic. Once again I find it highly soothing, and very practical as a hobby, as I get so invested in the feeling of clay in my hands, that my epilepsia tends to calm down a bit.

Image by
Andreea Popa
@Unsplash

My absolute latest hobby is in sewing. One of my workout friends came to over during easter to teach me, and the quirks of sewing is something that came very easy to me, once I was taught how the sowing machine actually worked (I definately have that from my grandma!) Now while I definately like doing it, as hobby sewing is something I chose mainly out of practicality, in order to keep my clothes longer, and fitting better. They may not look as perfect as if I were a professional tailor, but that’s fine. At least I am doing something with my time that is neither overstimulative for my daily fatigue nor too boring for when I feel highly creative.

Either way, regardless of what it is, engaging in an activity that I love is for me a pure joy. Many of these hobbies includes not only nurturing a passion, but also building a skill that may or may not lead to further career opportunities later in life. My thought of the matter is as such; best case scenario; I get really good, and can start multiple side gigs that is enough to keep me afloat. Worst case scenario; I hate it all, and nothing comes of it. If so, that’s ok. At least I know how to do x, y, z should I ever need to.

So if you have the ability, choose hobbies! They release dopamine while simultaneouly reducing cortisol levels. Similarly, as with any creative outlet, hobbies provide a safe space for self-expression, emotional regulation and self-reflection; all things nesessary for a healthy mental state.

Some hobbies are also a wonderful way for the slightly socially awkward amongs us to make connections and build communities. While I’ve personally never found a hobby with the intention to make friends, I know several people who have done so. Whether we’re talking book-clubs, knitting-groups, language-courses (etc), building connection through common interests can often be the beginning of decades-long friendships.

So! While struggling to find work can dim your outlook, hobbies can reignite your inner spark. They are not distractions from your goals, they are lifelines to your well-being. Let yourself enjoy them without guilt. Because, In these moments of joy, you may find clarity, resilience and a new way path forward.

– According to Silje

Finding strength through life’s hurdles

For the longest time, my life has seemed like a constant crossroad of two polar opposites. The life of someone who never really grew up, yet at the same time, someone who never behaved like a typical child; instead, way to grown, even at a young age. My mother likes to say that I was born 60 years to late – yet simultaneously, it’s like I was born way to early. What I remember being consistent understandings and realisations during my elementary school years, some of my aquaintances first came to realise in their early 30’s.

This is not to say that I am somehow superior to other people – I do not think that.
I do however get the impression that I am supposed to feel inferior to others, whether it be due to my disability, or my current lack of employment. Yet, when I look at the troubles that seem to stand in the way of most people, I cannot get myself to feel inferior either. Because while its true – I am partially disabled, and because of the difficulty of finding part-time work within my field, I am also currently unemployed. But I was not raised to sit around and sulk over my ‘failures’, especially when they are not really my failures to begin with.

Its unfortionate that many societies (my own included) look at disabilities as something ‘end all, be all’ that completely ruins your life. However, I don’t think like that. There are hurdles I will have to overcome that other people wont. And no matter what field I try to enter into, I will always have to be a little bit better than the others. And I will have to stand strong and solid in every idiotic situation that may occur. I personally may not like that – but it does not change reality.

However, reality is not always negative. After all, my mental health is solid. I have a great network of family and friends supporting me – and we all work for eachother. I know who I am, what I like -and not, and I’ve never been afraid to implement strong boundaries to keep my life as peaceful and drama – free as possible. And the people who dont respect that – or respect me, they are gone after the first misstep.
More than anything, I like myself, and in this day and age, that in itself is not a given.

So whoever you are, whatever you do and whatever unfortiune your life may be plagued with – don’t worry about it. Do what you can to make your life as good as possible (perferrably without making someone elses’ worse!), fix what you can – and except what you can’t. And remember, just becuause someone else seems to live a perfect life, does not mean that they are happy. You never know what someone else may be going through.
– According to Silje!

I was made for another planet altogether. I mistook the way
/ Simone de Beauvoir

The Spring Equinox, and its significance for Easter

This year the spring equinox, on the 15th of March (so almost a month ago), marked the beginning of the spring season for the Northern Hemisphere. During this time (as well as during the fall equinox later in the year) both the North and the South pole is simultaneously lit by sunshine.

many elements of today’s easter celebrations have pre-christian origin rooted in the equinox. In 1835, the German folklorist Jacob Grimm published Deutsche Mythologie, in which he claimed that Easter eggs were of pre-Christian origin. He justified this by the symbolic meaning of eggs in the creation myths of many religions and the fact that New Year’s in many Eastern cultures, is celebrated in the spring. Furthermore, Grimm believed that he could identify the term ‘Ostara’ (the name modern pagans use to celebrate this date) with the High German word Ostern («Easter»). He referred to the English monk Beda, who in 725 wrote that the Anglo-Saxon Easter month (in March–April) was originally called Eostur, named after the «goddess of the dawn» Eostre (https://snl.no/ostara).

In later years Grimms theories have been heavily disbelieved, and many scholars have gone out against it. The notion is that Grimm, a collector of national romantic fairy tales, did not place high demands on documentation, thus it is just as likely that modern Ostara-celebrations are based on Christian Easter, as the other way around.

Despite this, in pre-christian Scandinavian spring-celebrations, the spring-equinox is connected to the fertility-godess Freya, within the pagan ‘åsatru’ religion. While few Scandinavians are very religious these days (whether it be paganism, christianity or otherwise), the spring-equinox – and the period petween the equinox and the summer solstice, is still culturally important. This is when the first hints of spring begin to creep up, the snow melts away, and with it the darkness of winter dissapears. Slowly the days turn longer and warmer, its time for the seeds to be planted, and life begins anew.

Within neo-pagan celebrations, the spring-equinox is a celebration that encourages you to live in balance with nature’s yearly cycle. While I am neither pagan, neo-pagan or christian, I too find meaning in this. As most Norwegians I feel closely connected to nature; how could I not, when a 1000 year old forest is right outside my door. As the forest begins to bloom with wild flowers, and the smell of trees once again fills the air – I too feel nature’s renewal. after a long, cold and tiresome winter, the buds of spring – in alignment with the astrological new year, makes this time the perfect time to actually begin a new year, and go forth with whatever I may have been planning in the winter season. First of all, it’s a perfect time for Spring-Cleaning; Out with the old, in with the new! Then, as more and more of nature’s treasures appears and gets ready for harvesting (like wild forest fruits and mushrooms), the cycle begins again.

So what I would ask, it that whether spring and easter is a religious, spiritual or cultural part of your life (or or perhaps none of the above), I would advice you to take the the time to notice what nature has to offer you this time, and find a way for you to repay her, in a way that suits you.

– Silje

Image by: Daiga Ellaby @Unsplash