Kategori: Personal

Setting Boundaries: A Path to Self-Respect

Self-respect isn’t something that comes or goes with sucess or failure. It doesn’t depend on how other people see you, how productive you’ve been or how many times you stumble along the way. Instead, it’s considerably deeper ingrained; rooted in the constant and consistent determination of our boundaries. In the words of Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend:

«Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom… Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures so that people will not steal them. They keep the pearls inside and the pigs outside»
-Dr Henry Cloud/ Dr John Townsend, Boundaries, 1992

Like many other self-preserving elements, I was taugth the importance of boundaries early on in my childhood. I didn’t know it at the time of course, but looking back, it’s obvious that the main reason for my massive self-respect while growing up, even when humiliated, disrespected and underestimated, is due to a stark perserverance of my boundaries. A perserverance still relevant today.

There’s particularly three examples of boundary-setting that have been implanted into my brain since I was a toddler; The first is an example I know many people talk about today, which is whether to ‘force’ children to give hugs to their grandparents. My own parents never did this, yet I learned to hug them anyway. Not because I was coerced or forced to do so, but because I did what most children do – follow the lead of their parent’s. So when my mum and dad was giving my grandparents and uncle/aunts hugs, I started following along. Without coercion, and with personal boundaries and atonomy still intact. These types of boundaries are not just rules, they’re part of values. Values that taught me that my body is my own, and that honoring myself is nesessary for further self-respect.

The second was my mother telling me – probably over 500 times that if my dad ever became violent towards her or me, she’d kick him out of the house with his head first. This is because not tolerating any form of violence is one of my mum’s boundaries. This is a boundary she has never changed, and as I’ve (unfortionately) seen acts of violence happen to several childhood friends and their mothers (by their own father’s), It is a boundary I’ve always been inclined to introduce.

The third example is one of my dad’s boundaries; the financial advice of not borrowing money to friends, as it has a tendancy to lead to arguments over money. My dad originally brought this up to me as a pre-teen, in a discussion over money-management, as he himself had experienced friendship-breaks when asking back the amount of money he had lent away. As the discussion seized through all the ways borrowing money to friends could go wrong, and the amount of anger that could built up if it was discovered that some unaccountable person was using this money ‘impractically’, I realized that having the boundary of just not lending away any money would make life much easier. And it certainly has – as this type of rigid boundary has the added bonus of weeding out all potential ‘friends’ who’s only with you to take something from you. As a result I’ve never borrowed anyone any money, and I make it a point to tell people this when they first get to know me. After all, if you stand firm in a rigid boundary – and won’t let yourself be manipulated by people interested in getting something from you, they’ll eventually leave as it’s nothing to gain.

In regards to this last example, however, I would like to add an important factor; not borrowing away any money, does not mean that you can’t be generous. I personally think generosity is an important trait of having a good character, and tend to give things away quite freely and frequently. But giving something away is different from borrowing, and leads to people being able to choose to who – and how often they wish to do so. I much rather prefer this, as I can be generous to someone one time, but will only be generous to said someone several times, if this generosity goes both ways. And if it doesn’t, I will simply count my losses and move on.

Fast forward to adulthood. I’ve lost opportunities, ended friendships, made unpopular decisions – but one thing I’ve never lost is my self respect. Why? Because I didn’t give away any of my boundaries. Like I tell most potential romantic partners, they only get one chance with me – blow it by being unfaithful, abusive, untruthful or coersive – no thanks! Say you’ll do one thing, then do something else? Nope, adieu! If someone does not respect me, or chooses to betray me one way or another – I simply walk away.

The same goes for friendships. If you do not respect me – or yourself enough to be honest with me, only to then talk smack about me behind my back and lie to my face when asked about it; its not a friendship worth having. A few people have crossed minor boundaries, and I’ve accepted their apologies as I believe them to be genuine. However, those few people this is referring to, know that they will forever exist in limbo – where one other wrong boundary-crossing is enough for me to walk away from them.

This though process only exists however, as my boundaries are very strong, very obvious and very clear – and I communicate them quite ‘frank’ to everyone. Because, boundaries are not just about saying «no» to certain people or certain things; they’re also about saying «yes» to yourself – to your own values, morals, energy, time and what you believe is right. They’re how people stay grounded, especially when life gets a little shaky.

Some people think boundaries are walls meant to keep people out. I instead choose to see them as doors that determine who you choose to let in. Or; they don’t shut the world out, they invite in only what aligns. They’re not about control, but rather about clarity. Every time I uphold a boundary, I remind myself that I matter to me. That I don’t need to be liked by everyone. That my worth isn’t up for negotiation. And this has given me something no job title, or person ever could; peace of mind. And if I’m being completelty honest, I often get the impression that I have more self-respect than anyone I know – not because I think I’m better, but because I was taught, from the beginning to honor the space around and within me.

So, if I could give one piece of advice to anyone struggling with self-respect, it would be this; check your boundaries. Where are you saying yes, when you mean no? Where are you betraying your own values just to avoid discomfort?
Self-respect isn’t loud. It’s quiet, steady and deeply powerful. It show’s up every time you choose yourself – not out of ego, but out of integrity.
Because boundaries are not barriers. They are bridges – to a life you can live with your head held high, even when things fall apart.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk dissapointing others»
– Brene Brown, from «The Gifts of Imperfection«

The Power of Self-Acceptance

In a world where apperances and personalities are often curated and filtered through social media, self-acceptance stands as a powerful act of courage and authenticity. It is not just a feel-good concept, it’s the foundation for how we present ourselves to the world, and – more importantly, how we connect (or disconnect) with other people.

The very first ‘self-identity’ advice my parents gave me, was to be myself fully and authentically – always. I don’t remember how young I was, but I know it was during a time when my general kindness often lead to people walking right over me. So for my parents, this advice was more about teaching me to stand up for myself, so as not to end up around a bunch of people who’d kick me under the buss later in life. And it certainly worked. First of all because, while I didn’t stop being kind per se, my kindness became much more exclusive – only afforded those who offerered me a similar kindness in return. Thus, if someone didn’t like me because of, well – Me, that was their problem. So everytime I decided something regarding my apperance or choices that was authentic to me – and my parents, friends, peers or other family members didn’t accept it, they knew I would just consider it their problem, as I was told to do.

Despite this, even from a young age, this would not have worked without the key ingredience of ‘self-acceptance’. Self-acceptance means embracing all parts of yourself; your strengths, flaws, past mistakes and unique quirks withouth too harsh judgement. It’s an acknowledgement of who you are at the base, and understanding that your worth as a human being isn’t conditional on your perfection, or on approval from other people.

Whats’s more, self-acceptance is also an important component of a person’s self-preservation. Because, without first accepting yourself – fully, self-preservation becomes a performance act; where you edit your personality to fit into other people’s idea of what is/ isn’t acceptible. This in turn leads to a whole can of worms, like anxiety, imposter syndrom and constantly feeling like you’re not good enough.
But when you accept yourself fully for who you are, your confidence becomes grounded in reality, and you don’t have to pretend or perform anymore. This in turn makes you magnetic.

To use an example from my own life; During my teenage-years, and early-to-mid twenties, I could at times be quite the drama-queen. It wasn’t often, mind you – but aproximately every tree – five years I would have a major drama-outburst, and act all crazy. It’s a bit fascinating too, because I hate drama and drama shows, and prefer to be left out of things that doesn’t involve me. But for many years this would happen. For a long time I simply ignored it, hoping it wouldn’t happen again, but it was only when I accepted that I can become this way – and that it was rooted in deep-seated wounds from feeling unaccepted and ignored by peers in primary school, that I stopped behaving this way. This does not mean that I condone shitty behaviour (neither my own nor others’), but knowing and accepting that It is a part of me at times, is the first step. So instead, I would talk to my friends about it, and be vulnerable (ps, I have good friends), and suddenly, drama-Silje was not a problem anymore.

Because, self-preservation does not mean that you are immune to being hurt, or feeling sad that you are aren’t accepted. It simply means that whether you are accepted or not, you decide not to change if and for anyone other than yourself. And, when rooted in self-acceptance, self-preservation is how you choose to show up: verbally, visually and emotionally, reflecting the real you.

Furthermore, this form of self-treatment also tends to lead to:
– Authentic relationships, as most people are drawn to those who are genuine.
– An Improved mental health, as there is less pressure to be perfect.
– Stronger communication skills, as you learn to express yourself clearly and honestly.
– A confidence that sticks, as it is not built upon other people’s approval.

However, self-acceptance does not just happen by itself. Instead, it is learned, slowly through practice. First of all you have to recognize your inner critic. Take notice of when you’re being unkind to yourself. Is this rooted in you doing something bad – or is it rooted in perfectionism? Secondly, Celebrate what makes you unique! Whether physical or mental- what makes you different from other people is what makes you – you. Thirdly, and this is one I struggled with alot: forgive yourself, and let go of your past mistakes. Learn from them, yes – but not at the expense of getting stuck in the middle of a growth-journey.

The fourth way to implement self-acceptance intoo your life, is to start speaking kindly to yourself. Think of yourself as your dearest family member or friend; if you wouldn’t talk to them the way you talk to yourself, then stop doing it. And finally, be consistent. Self-acceptance is a daily practice. Being accepting of oneself one day, and then talking absolute crap the rest of the week, is like taking one step forward and 20 steps back. so be consistent in your practice.

Because, self acceptance isn’t about giving up on growth – it’s about growing from a place of wholeness instead of lack. When you accept yourself, you give others permission to do the same. And when you present yourself with authenticity, you make the kind of impact that last.

– According to Silje

Engaging Hobbies: How to find joy while struggling in your job search

During these days of continuous job-search, one thing I have dedicated alot of my current time to is my hobbies; to which there are many. This is not only in order to find something meaningful to do, but also because dedicating time to something I like, or something I would like to learn, gives me a sense of joy and fulfillment that few other things can match.

As I’m sure many people are aware of, struggling to find work, and constantly sending in work-applications to no avail, can be a very emotionally draining process. I’ve been on the hunt for a year already, and despite Norway’s quite strict labour-laws regarding discrimination against disabled-workers, I’ve still been hit with discriminatory practices more times than I can count. It doesn’t help that I can’t work more than two full days a week, and my education means that my hourly rate is (also according to labour laws) – quite high. Thus, the amount of potential positions that I may even be remotely considered for, diminishes significantly.

Despite this, I’ve always had extremely high ambissions, and my identity – despite years of bullying, was anchored in the high self-image of a person with grand levels of self respect, high career drive, and someone not afraid to stand out from the masses. As a result, being hit with the reality that finding work would be astronomically more difficult than I would have ever suspected, took a huge toll on my ego – and on the way I saw my own worth. I felt ashamed. Not because I saw other people with disabilities as worth less than those who could work full time, but because my expectations of myself has always been put at such a high place it is impossible to reach.

So, as I was finishing my graduate-degree, I lost a sense of purposeful routine, which lead to stress, anxiety and financial pressure – all things bad for an epileptic who’s both a perfectionist and (at times) highly neurotic.

So as always I decided to take matters into my own hands, by mentally and emotionally engaging in a variety of joyful hobbies. Because, as I got to choose how to spend my time and energy , engaging in an activity I love to do had the ability to give back some of the power I felt like I’d lost after graduating.
After all, If it feels like your future is in someone else’s hands, trying to change anything for the better is pointless.

So I went after what I knew I could change. Ever since I was a child, leisure-activity has been a huge part of my family. My father, who’s an engineer used to play in a band – and still plays guitar, and takes photographs. My mother; an accountant by profession, would play piano, or paint (still does!). My baby sister who used to be a gymnast, recently learned how to knit (and she’s extremely good at it!). I on the other hand, have tried a different approach; of simply trying anything I might feel drawn too. Whether its playing piano, painting, writing, photography, ceramics, sowing or designing clothes – or even diy – I’ll try it, and see what sticks. I took a course in painting several years ago, and recently finished a course in ceramics. Now I’ll lever be a Da Vinci – as I couldn’t paint realistic figures if it would save my life; but I’m not mad about it. Instead I find the mixing and matching of colours and shapes highly soothing, and it’s good to be able to paint if I were to ever need or want a large artpiece. Ceramics is in a similar fashion. While it’s my latest obsession, and I dedicate a day each week to work at an actual studio, my current makings are very basic. Once again I find it highly soothing, and very practical as a hobby, as I get so invested in the feeling of clay in my hands, that my epilepsia tends to calm down a bit.

Image by
Andreea Popa
@Unsplash

My absolute latest hobby is in sewing. One of my workout friends came to over during easter to teach me, and the quirks of sewing is something that came very easy to me, once I was taught how the sowing machine actually worked (I definately have that from my grandma!) Now while I definately like doing it, as hobby sewing is something I chose mainly out of practicality, in order to keep my clothes longer, and fitting better. They may not look as perfect as if I were a professional tailor, but that’s fine. At least I am doing something with my time that is neither overstimulative for my daily fatigue nor too boring for when I feel highly creative.

Either way, regardless of what it is, engaging in an activity that I love is for me a pure joy. Many of these hobbies includes not only nurturing a passion, but also building a skill that may or may not lead to further career opportunities later in life. My thought of the matter is as such; best case scenario; I get really good, and can start multiple side gigs that is enough to keep me afloat. Worst case scenario; I hate it all, and nothing comes of it. If so, that’s ok. At least I know how to do x, y, z should I ever need to.

So if you have the ability, choose hobbies! They release dopamine while simultaneouly reducing cortisol levels. Similarly, as with any creative outlet, hobbies provide a safe space for self-expression, emotional regulation and self-reflection; all things nesessary for a healthy mental state.

Some hobbies are also a wonderful way for the slightly socially awkward amongs us to make connections and build communities. While I’ve personally never found a hobby with the intention to make friends, I know several people who have done so. Whether we’re talking book-clubs, knitting-groups, language-courses (etc), building connection through common interests can often be the beginning of decades-long friendships.

So! While struggling to find work can dim your outlook, hobbies can reignite your inner spark. They are not distractions from your goals, they are lifelines to your well-being. Let yourself enjoy them without guilt. Because, In these moments of joy, you may find clarity, resilience and a new way path forward.

– According to Silje

Finding strength through life’s hurdles

For the longest time, my life has seemed like a constant crossroad of two polar opposites. The life of someone who never really grew up, yet at the same time, someone who never behaved like a typical child; instead, way to grown, even at a young age. My mother likes to say that I was born 60 years to late – yet simultaneously, it’s like I was born way to early. What I remember being consistent understandings and realisations during my elementary school years, some of my aquaintances first came to realise in their early 30’s.

This is not to say that I am somehow superior to other people – I do not think that.
I do however get the impression that I am supposed to feel inferior to others, whether it be due to my disability, or my current lack of employment. Yet, when I look at the troubles that seem to stand in the way of most people, I cannot get myself to feel inferior either. Because while its true – I am partially disabled, and because of the difficulty of finding part-time work within my field, I am also currently unemployed. But I was not raised to sit around and sulk over my ‘failures’, especially when they are not really my failures to begin with.

Its unfortionate that many societies (my own included) look at disabilities as something ‘end all, be all’ that completely ruins your life. However, I don’t think like that. There are hurdles I will have to overcome that other people wont. And no matter what field I try to enter into, I will always have to be a little bit better than the others. And I will have to stand strong and solid in every idiotic situation that may occur. I personally may not like that – but it does not change reality.

However, reality is not always negative. After all, my mental health is solid. I have a great network of family and friends supporting me – and we all work for eachother. I know who I am, what I like -and not, and I’ve never been afraid to implement strong boundaries to keep my life as peaceful and drama – free as possible. And the people who dont respect that – or respect me, they are gone after the first misstep.
More than anything, I like myself, and in this day and age, that in itself is not a given.

So whoever you are, whatever you do and whatever unfortiune your life may be plagued with – don’t worry about it. Do what you can to make your life as good as possible (perferrably without making someone elses’ worse!), fix what you can – and except what you can’t. And remember, just becuause someone else seems to live a perfect life, does not mean that they are happy. You never know what someone else may be going through.
– According to Silje!

I was made for another planet altogether. I mistook the way
/ Simone de Beauvoir

The Spring Equinox, and its significance for Easter

This year the spring equinox, on the 15th of March (so almost a month ago), marked the beginning of the spring season for the Northern Hemisphere. During this time (as well as during the fall equinox later in the year) both the North and the South pole is simultaneously lit by sunshine.

many elements of today’s easter celebrations have pre-christian origin rooted in the equinox. In 1835, the German folklorist Jacob Grimm published Deutsche Mythologie, in which he claimed that Easter eggs were of pre-Christian origin. He justified this by the symbolic meaning of eggs in the creation myths of many religions and the fact that New Year’s in many Eastern cultures, is celebrated in the spring. Furthermore, Grimm believed that he could identify the term ‘Ostara’ (the name modern pagans use to celebrate this date) with the High German word Ostern («Easter»). He referred to the English monk Beda, who in 725 wrote that the Anglo-Saxon Easter month (in March–April) was originally called Eostur, named after the «goddess of the dawn» Eostre (https://snl.no/ostara).

In later years Grimms theories have been heavily disbelieved, and many scholars have gone out against it. The notion is that Grimm, a collector of national romantic fairy tales, did not place high demands on documentation, thus it is just as likely that modern Ostara-celebrations are based on Christian Easter, as the other way around.

Despite this, in pre-christian Scandinavian spring-celebrations, the spring-equinox is connected to the fertility-godess Freya, within the pagan ‘åsatru’ religion. While few Scandinavians are very religious these days (whether it be paganism, christianity or otherwise), the spring-equinox – and the period petween the equinox and the summer solstice, is still culturally important. This is when the first hints of spring begin to creep up, the snow melts away, and with it the darkness of winter dissapears. Slowly the days turn longer and warmer, its time for the seeds to be planted, and life begins anew.

Within neo-pagan celebrations, the spring-equinox is a celebration that encourages you to live in balance with nature’s yearly cycle. While I am neither pagan, neo-pagan or christian, I too find meaning in this. As most Norwegians I feel closely connected to nature; how could I not, when a 1000 year old forest is right outside my door. As the forest begins to bloom with wild flowers, and the smell of trees once again fills the air – I too feel nature’s renewal. after a long, cold and tiresome winter, the buds of spring – in alignment with the astrological new year, makes this time the perfect time to actually begin a new year, and go forth with whatever I may have been planning in the winter season. First of all, it’s a perfect time for Spring-Cleaning; Out with the old, in with the new! Then, as more and more of nature’s treasures appears and gets ready for harvesting (like wild forest fruits and mushrooms), the cycle begins again.

So what I would ask, it that whether spring and easter is a religious, spiritual or cultural part of your life (or or perhaps none of the above), I would advice you to take the the time to notice what nature has to offer you this time, and find a way for you to repay her, in a way that suits you.

– Silje

Image by: Daiga Ellaby @Unsplash

Embracing Authenticity, with a hint of madness

As far as introductions go, I have never been particularly practical. Instead I tend to take the opposite approach; present yourself as either a) a complete madwoman or b) the biggest snob you’ve ever met, and let those who haven’t walked away in complete disblief enjoy your middle ground – which in most situations is as close to your authentic being as possible. So with that said, here I am . Due to the random fact of where my parent are from, I am Norwegian. I was born in 1991, at a time where the biggest argument around my peers, was whether you were a fan of Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera – Westlife or Backstreet boys.

In no circumstance were you allowed to be a fan of both – and in similar fashion; if you didn’t like either, you were considered equally strange. Now, basic pop- music aside, being considered strange – while definately hurtful, has never been a problem for me. Partially, as I realised early on that what people tended to think me strange for, were just simple self – preservation tactics. Tactics that I began implementing during my elementary school years, in order to get through days of constant bullying. Of course it didn’t help that much of what I was bullied for (such as freezing completely in the middle of conversation, only to ‘come back’ and not understand anything) were in actuality some of the earliest signs of my epilepsia diagnosis, it was just not examined as my teacher couldn’t stand me, and just decided that I was doing it on purpose. So self-preservation it was.

Now none of this suggests that I am somehow a wackjob with very nice clothes, however, I guess its just one of those rumours that came about. Firstly, because my first tactic of self-preservation was to remove myself from those who wanted to harm or bully me. As a result, I spent most of the ‘outdoor’ period in primary school sitting by myself at the entrance to the forest, talking to myself. Thus I became known as the girl who spoke to trees and sticks. Not completely true, mind you – but not completely false either.

Secondly, I have always been good at understanding people, often long before they understand themselves. Due to this, I’ve always found most people very predictable. This fact became quite well known during my elementary school years, as every time I openly made an assesment of someone or the result of someone’s situation, I ended up being correct. This resulted in me becoming some sort of «child psychologist» that people (friends and foes) would tell their secrets too, and ask for advice. Of course, a few years down the line, this made quite alot of the schools self-proclaimed «queen bees» highly anxious around me, as I knew all their secrets about eachother. Little did they know that most of their secrets, backtalking and rumour-spreading ended with me, as my epilepsia gave me a terrible memory, and most of the things peope told me, I had forgotten within the year.

Thirdly, whether as a girl or a young woman, I’ve always had an extremely high integrity. This has become so apparant any time I meet someone who lacks it, that they litterally repulse me. As a child this was very difficult, as it makes you seem a bit entitled to other’s honesty. As an adult however, it’s great. After all, If integrity is important to you, then anyone who lacks it, who behaves dishonestly – or who seems unable to be self-aware, sticks out like a sore thumb. Henceforth, any potential aquaintanceship with said person ,breaks off very quickly. If you simultaneously add honesty as another self-preservation tactic, whereby being completely open and honest about boundaries, expectations, and what you will and won’t offer in retun, you’re pretty much set. None of this will work however, if you’re not also honest about how you’ll react when someone tries to break said boundaries: «you only get one chance with me» is a motto most of friends are aware of. This does not mean that I cut contact at any minor incident, but rather that If you’ve proven yourself to be unreliable, dishonest or unable to take accountability for the consequences of your own actions, It only takes me one time for me to «clock it and block it» as they say these days.

So in many ways, my authentic personality is a mix of someone kind and helpful, yet also exessantly rigid. A high self- image, but with many tactics to keep it that way. On the one hand this can lead to a good balance between self-awareness and practicality. On the other hand, mixing self-awareness with rigidity can also lead to perfectionism and neuroticism – both equally exhausting. As such, the best way to counteract this, is to allow yourself the time and place to let go and let loose – and bring on some madness.
-According to Silje

We all go a little mad sometimes
/ Norman Bates, «Bates Motel» 1960